Far Too Far
by paperskies
Summary: When a line is crossed,you can't go back.When a mistake is made,you can't reverse it.You can't run away from your responsibilities.You stay because you need to.You stay because you care.You stay because your daughter needs you to.Derek Addison angst
1. Far Too Far

Chapter One:**  
**

**Far Too Far**

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_I'm too weak _

_to take what I need _

_and if you don't feel _

_you cannot soothe _

_and if I know love the_

_first sting is soft compared to the end._

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What were you supposed to do with 14 years of marriage. Wrap it up tightly and hope it never gets broken? But there are knocks and scapes, little tumbles along the way that slowly cause it to crack. But you would mend the cracks and the marriage would stay intact. But this time someone had been careless. They'd let it slip over the edge where it fell and smashed into a million pieces. The damage is irreparable. It couldn't be picked up and put back together. The trust that glued the pieces together was gone. Leaving only bits and pieces that didn't mean anything. The marriage couldn't be saved this time.

Derek hadn't moved from his car seat. He'd left his house in a mad rush, flying feet and hurried curses, just wanting to get into his car and drive. It was no surprise that he'd ended up at the ferryboats. Ferryboats felt like home. They calmed and eased his mind. And his mind, right now, really needed to be calm and at ease.

The scene of him walking quietly up the staircase of his house, as if he was in a dream, kicking away the leather jacket that got under his feet, and opening his bedroom door to find his worst nightmare being acted out between his wife and best friend refused to stop playing in his mind.

_Ex-wife, ex-best friend,_ Derek thought bitterly as he watched the lights of New York twinkle in the distance. The details and complications of the situation hadn't really sunk in yet. It was just wave after wave of betrayal and he felt himself drowning in it. Something needed to save him. Someone needed to be his breath of fresh air.

His phone buzzed at his side, and automatically he picked up, not even thinking about who could be on the other end. "Hello" His voice was deep but strained, laced with exhaustion.

"Dad…" The small voice on the other end was soft and quiet, filled with unshed tears.

"Yeah Jaime"

"When are you coming home?" Derek felt tears prick at the corner of his own eyes. They weren't tears for his tainted marriage, they were tears for the confused and helpless daughter that was looking to him for answers. He felt the waves start to cease and the pain in his chest loosen, making it easier to breath. A calm washed over him, chasing away the feeling of drowning, as the responsibility he had once again settles on his shoulders.

"Soon, I won't be long. Promise"

"As long as you promise. Please don't run away somewhere, please come back home." Her voice was shaky though she was trying to appear strong and Derek realized how scared she would be.

"Since when have I broken my promises to you Jaime?" He said softly, steering his car away from the ferries and in direction of the brownstone. In the direction of home. If only it felt that way.

"Never"

"I'll see you soon then"

"Ok"

"I love you"

Dropping the phone down onto the passenger seat Derek let out deep breaths, grazing his knuckles over his eyes briefly. She was his breath of fresh air. The need to shelter and protect her, to comfort her and whisper reassuring words to her had pulled him from the tumbling sea of despair he'd been about to let himself fall into. He was drowning and she saved him. That's all there was to know.

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_ Ok, some good ole' Derek/Addison angst. I got the idea for this fic when I was watching the episode Yesterday and Meredith asks Derek if he thought it would have been different if he and Addison had kids. So my mind got ticking. And this was the result. It's kind of a spur of the moment thing so just go with me since I'm kinda writing blind. But anyway I hope you enjoy the ride, even though it might not be the smoothest._

_ In this chapter basically Derek has walked in on Addison and Mark. He's angry and storms off to the ferry boats. And he would probably stay there all night stewing in his own self pity if he didn't get the phone call from little Jaime Shepherd. She snaps him out of it. Instantly brings him back to reality and his responsibilities. He's her father and she needs him. She's his breath of fresh air and he needs her. So matter what happened with Addison, he needs to go back and take care of her. He doesn't run off to Seattle. He doesn't run off and have a one night stand with a girl in Seattle. He stays because his daughter needs him and he needs her. But he doesn't want nor need Addison so things are gonna get messy._


	2. If

Chapter Two:

**If**

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_And if I heard the angels sing I'd_

_Sing it back to you and bring the _

_Sound of heaven ringing just for you _

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I had just enough time to place my keys on the side table before a set of small, strong arms wrapped around my waist from the side. I glanced down at the tumble of dark hair currently pressed against my jacket. It was cascading down around her small face, hiding it from view. I felt the rest of my anger melt away instantly as I returned the tight hug.

"Hey ssshhh" I whispered, my own voice shaking as I pressed a kiss to the top of her head "Jaime?...Jaime?" I tried to coax her to look at me but she kept her face pressed stubbornly to my jacket "It's ok…it will be alright, ok Jaime?" I felt her nod against me but the sobs that suddenly started to make her body shudder proved that she didn't believe me.

I tried to ease myself out of her grip so I could see her face but it only tightened. I was at a loss for what to do. Right now, I wasn't in the best state of mind. I was in overload. A headache was beating against my skull and my throat was raw and dry. Not to mention all my limbs ached and felt as heavy as lead. I was drained and exhausted, both emotionally and physically. It didn't help that I had come out of a 30 hour shift at the hospital. But I had to pull myself together for Jaime. I hadn't seen her in nearly two days, and then she had been smiling, now she was crying in my arms.

"Are you going to move out now?" The question was a soft mumble, mixed in with a sob.

"No, I'm not going anywhere"

"Good" Her arms loosened and fell to her sides as she drew back. Now that she knew I wasn't about to run back out the door, she could let me go. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for the girl standing in front of me. She had always been small and petite but looking at her now, with tear stained cheeks and watering eyes, I couldn't believe that my little girl would be on the brink of being a teenager in a few weeks. She looked so tiny and fragile, like the day when she was five and we had to tell her that our old cat Peanuts would not be coming back from the vet. Though this time, she fully understood what was happening and real sadness was etched into her blue eyes.

"Where's your mom?" I asked, trying not to sound completely disgusted. The words still seemed to come out in an angry hiss though.

"I don't know…she left" Jaime sniffled slightly, running the back of her hand over her eyes and down her cheeks.

"What! She just left you here?" I spluttered out, cursing Addison's irresponsibility. I couldn't believe she'd just walked out on her daughter, leaving her confused and thinking the worst about the fate of her parents.

"She…she didn't know I was here" Jaime's voice was quite and frightened, as if I was about to reprimand her for Addison's mistake.

"How could she not know you were hear?" I tried to keep my voice even and calm.

"I was supposed to have tennis training" She looked up at me in disappointment and I realized it was not because she'd missed out on playing. I was supposed to have picked her up on my way home from work. Shit, I'd forgotten. "But it was canceled half way through because of the rain, so Tammy's mom gave me a lift home" She knew I'd forgotten, if I hadn't I would have rung asking if it has been called off or to see where she was if I turned up there and found no one around.

"Dammit, Jaime I'm sorry-" But she cut me off before I could offer any excuse, down casting her eyes to the floor.

"She wasn't here when I got home so I just went into the study and used the computer. Then the front door opened and I heard Mark's voice so I went out to see but they'd already gone upstairs…so I followed and your bedroom door was closed and…I didn't go in but..." I closed my eyes and inwardly cringed as more tears pooled in her eyes "I didn't know what to do…I went back downstairs and I was going to call you but I couldn't remember your number, and I know it off by heart but I couldn't remember it" Rivers started to track down her face again, pooling at her chin before dropping to the floor. I took her hand and she continued her story as I led her down the hall to the bathroom.

"I didn't hear you come home till I heard Mark yelling out to you and I ran out into the hallway but you'd already slammed the front door. I didn't want to talk to mom or Mark so I just stayed there. They came downstairs and they were arguing and mom was crying and they didn't even see me. They walked out together but both their cars were gone when I looked so I figured they left separately."

I dampened a wash cloth with some warm water and offered it to Jaime. She took it, wiping away the aftermath of her tears. "I sat on the stairs until I could remember your number…and then I called you"

"I'm so sorry little girl" I told her sincerely, desperately wishing she hadn't witnessed anything that had happened in the last 2 hours. "You shouldn't have been here for any of that. If I knew you were home I wouldn't have rushed out. I'm sorry for scaring you"

"What's going to happen between you and mom now?"

It was one of the hardest questions anyone had ever asked me.

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_ And if I saw the sun fall down _

_I'd pick it up and make a crown _

_One that was a perfect fit for you_

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_Ok well, I obviously altered Addison and Derek's marriage a bit, making them married for 14 years instead of 11 so I could make Jaime that little bit older. Well Derek and Jaime are feeling a lot in this chapter. Mostly confused, shocked and hurt. And Derek's is harboring a little bit of anger which is bound to grow._

_Clearly Derek thinks the world of his daughter. She's his pride and joy. The best thing that ever could have happened to him. So right now his only thought is her. He doesn't really care about Addison at the moment as long as he makes sure Jaime is relatively ok. And the question she just asked him, is definitely one of the most difficult he's ever faced. Because, as we saw with the show, Derek would leave Addison in a heartbeat. But the same can't be said for his daughter. Right now he's very, very torn and has a very , very difficult decision to make._

_ And in this chapter you meet Jaime-Lee Shepherd. You don't get to see much of what kind of person she is except that right now she is an extremely scared and confused little girl. Even though she really isn't that little. But right now she feels it. Though she didn't walk in on Mark and Addison she's smart enough to figure it out for herself and it completely shatters what she thought was her family. Things stop registering, she blanks out, forgetting her fathers cell phone number, forgetting everything but the fact that this was not how it should be. Derek comes home, but he doesn't see her. Mark and Addison come downstairs and they don't see her. She is feeling completely forgotten for the second time that day. She is left alone with her imagination which runs wild with thoughts about her father never coming back again, forgetting her forever. She is thrown back into the insecure state of a five year old, just wanting someone to comfort her and hold her again. So she rings Derek and once he gets there she doesn't want to let him go. Her world is spinning, her mind whirling, everything is spiraling out of control for her. Her father is the only thing thats keeping her anchored and if he leaves she feels like her world will crumble. So she doesn't want to let go._

_ Well thats my long and useless rambling done. Jaime's character will develop as we go along and Derek, Addison and Mark's will grow closer and apart. It just depends who grows apart from who. A child can complicate a lot of feelings  
_


	3. Catalyst

Chapter Three: 

**Catalyst**

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_You'll be the vein_

_You'll be the pain_

_You'll be the scar_

_You'll be the road, rolling below_

_The wheels of a car_

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I watched Dad sitting on the couch in our living room, swirling scotch around in his glass but never drinking it. It was the only movement he was making, seeming to be lost in the amber liquid that I personally couldn't stand the smell of. He didn't know I was there, he though I was in bed. But I couldn't sleep. I couldn't register anything properly. The events of the night just kept sweeping around my head, never leaving me alone but never making any sense. My mom and Uncle Mark. It was a crazy, irrational, completely unbelievable situation. But it had happened.

It had been improbable but never impossible. And that was something I think I, and my father, were only just coming to terms with.

I heard the front door being unlocked and pushed open and for some unknown reason to me, I scurried back across the hall to the study, closing it so that just a crack big enough for me to peer though into the living room remained. Jaime, 12 year old super secret spy, on a mission to suss out her parents and work out the mess they'd created. But the circumstances were much to serious for my kiddie jokes. As my mother shut the door and paused in the foyer you could have heard a pin drop. Dad still hadn't moved an inch, though the swirling of the alcohol had ceased.

Addison moved through the house and stopped in the living room doorway, blocking my view. I hadn't seen my mom since she'd rushed out followed by Mark who kept trying to grab her elbow and make her stop and talk to him. The sudden realization of what had happened suddenly hit me like a punch to the gut. Before everything had been to recent and shocking for it to sink it. But now it was sinking in very clearly.

"Did you pick up Jaime?" Addison asked cautiously and Derek didn't seem at all surprised with the normal conversation. But she was their daughter and there for, their first priority.

"No"

"What! What do you mean?...did someone drop her off?"

"She was here Addison"

"When you got back?...Where did you go, I've been looking for you and ringing your cell-"

"She was _here_, Addison" Derek's voice was more forceful as he raised his head to look at her, his eyes glinting coldly and his mouth etched into a deep frown. I felt myself cowering back further into the darkness of the study. I'd seen my dad angry…but this was different.

"Oh god" Addison raised a hand to her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut when she caught onto his meaning "Oh god…"

Derek let his head fall forward again as he stared at his glass sullenly. There was so much hanging between them. Words that were bursting to be said. And there was the heavy feeling of dread that settled over the whole house like a cold blanket.

"Derek…" Addison whispered, her voice laced with apologizes he didn't want to hear "That…nothing…it wasn't meant to happen" She took a step forward but Derek was already on his feet, putting the tumbler down with a sharp clang against the glass coffee table "It was a mis-"

"A mistake? You really think that one is going to work on me Addison" Derek hissed. His jaw was set and a vein was apparent in his neck, showing the rage he was trying to control.

"Can you just explain one thing to me? Why Mark, of all the people I had to walk in on you screwing," He spat out the words and Addison visibly winced at the harshness in which he delivered them "Why my best friend? Did you want to stab the knife into my back but also give it a sharp twist?"

"It wasn't planned…"

"I don't give a damn if it was on the cards for years or just a spur of the moment kind of thing. I. Don't. Care." Derek punctuated each word, driving them in, hoping to cause her some pain, any of the pain he was feeling "It still happened Addison. While our daughter was in the house!"

"Well I obviously didn't know she was here. Do you honestly think I would stoop so low as to cheat on you with the knowledge that Jaime was within hearing distance?"

"After tonight, I probably wouldn't be surprised if you stooped lower. Though your husband's best friend is about as far down as you can go"

"Derek!" Addison said, her voice warning him.

"Don't you dare use that tone with me. The one telling me that I'm treading on thin ice. Have you noticed that the stuff you're standing on isn't that thick either" Derek brushed past her, his very stance seeping disgust. "I'm going to call my lawyer in the morning"

"Why?" Addison's voice rang out high pitched and panicked.

"Do you think I'm going to stick around now?"

"Derek, your not going to throw away 14 years of marriage without talking about it first!"

"Watch me"

"Our daughter turns 13 in a few weeks. You want us to give her signed divorce papers as a birthday present" Addison's voice had turned loud and commanding, her first instinct being to protect her child and at her words Derek's face softened considerably.

"I don't see any other choice" Derek sounded defeated for the first time. Split holidays and only seeing his daughter on weekends had never been part of his future plan. Being a surgeon he didn't get to see her enough as it was. His heart was breaking, and not because of the infidelity of his wife.

"No" My chocked protest sounded strangled and weak even to me as I pushed open the study door, tears already pressing at the corner of my eyes once again, making my presence known.

"Jaime…" Both adults turned towards me as my name fell from my dad's lips in a sad plea for forgiveness.

"No, everything should stay the same, please" Nothing could change. Whatever my mother had done, we could get past it. Dad and I could work it out together. Nothing had to change. I had friends with divorced parents and it wasn't how I wanted to live my life. In two separate homes. In two separate rooms. I wanted one home. One room. I wanted one family.

"Please?" I tried desperately to not let the tears spill over, feeling like I had cried enough for one evening, but when nobody gave me the answer I wanted, or even any answer at all, I couldn't stop them. My feet made quick work of the stairs as I sprinted down the hall to the comfort of my room. My room. My home. My family. I didn't want to think about how it was falling apart.

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_And all of the thoughts, on God_

_Don't know if I'm strong enough now_

_You'll be the vein_

_You'll be the pain_

_You'll be the_

_Catalyst_

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_Ok so Jaime is deluding herself. She knows everything has changed and nothing can go back to the way it was but she likes to tell herself that things can be how they always were. She wants to believe her own words and that's what she'll do, even though deep down she knows the damage that's been done is irreversible._

_She knows what her mother has done but she doesn't fully understand it yet since it's only just sinking it. She knows that Addison has hurt Derek deeply but she hasn't come to the terms of what that means for her and her parents. So she can still look Addison in the eye for now, can still want Derek to forgive Addison in a hope that it will make everything alright. So Jaime is deluding herself and she knows it, and she will keep living under this false sense of hope until something forces her out of it._

_Thanks for reading :)  
_


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